You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
