can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
