Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
