she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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