Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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