So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
