Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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