She went from zero to smokin in five shots
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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