Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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