Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
