So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
