Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
