A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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