After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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