If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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