You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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