I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
