I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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