i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize