Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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