The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
