Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
