shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
