i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
