How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
