$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
