please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
