u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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