did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
