i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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