I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm too high and old for this...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
