Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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