Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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