Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
