I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
