my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
