when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I puked a lego.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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