Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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