i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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