Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
