SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
