i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
