Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
