I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I want to be your penis for a week.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
