Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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