Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
