I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
