me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My penis needs a shock collar
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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