Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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