atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
