I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
