did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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