so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
