the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
