Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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