Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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