Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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