Just cropdusted the office
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
