Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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