the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
