I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
