when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
