I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
