it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
