you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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